Bullshit.ist: Lifestyle / Women’s

Articles published in Bullshit.ist. Click on an article image below to read the full article. Samples below:

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Bedroom: “I know it wasn’t in the picture, but I hope it’s okay that I store my doll collection in here. They’re all lined up against the wall so they won’t be in your way. And you know, they’re dolls, so they’ll just be still the whole night while you’re sleeping.”

 

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His fingers trail between my buttocks spreading olive oil … Instantly the plug inside me starts to vibrate like a kitchen timer — down there! … It feels alien, full, forbidden … like unpasteurized cheese. But oh… so… good… As my body explodes, I’m nothing but sensation, everywhere.

 

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“What did you do for your birthday last year?”
“Steve took me to a romantic dinner and told me he loved me.”
“And this year?”
“I found this great recipe on Pinterest and my cat Sammy is a stray so he doesn’t have an official birthday, so I made this awesome cake. It’s like a professional chef making tuna tartare where you have this white paper cone and then you fill it with chopped up tuna, crab meat, and Fancy Feast. Then I put a little candle on top, sang happy ‘Meowthday,’ and we had a wonderful celebration together. He’s been putting on some weight so I’ve put him on the South Beach Diet, so this was a perfect treat.”

 

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3. “Philosophers have hitherto only interpreted the world in various ways; the point, however, is to change it” — Karl Marx
Why are you on Instagram? Marx in this quote is pointing towards curation. What do you want to be known for? Fitness? Travel? Crushing capitalism? Followers come when you have that one thing that they can rally behind.

 

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5. African Voodoo Mask Wall Decoration
Suggest hanging this hand-carved creator of nightmares over their bed to remind them that something’s not right both when awake and in deep slumber. Preferably pick one focused on infertility to prevent Travis’s pricker of crushed dreams from filling sweet, sweet Karen with his demon child.

 

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“Selling my hair does not sadden me at all,” says Priyanka, “Now I can feed my family and have a new way to express myself through colorful headscarves.” Last week, she made $50 by allowing a hair scout to shave her head clean.

FAN FICTION NOVELLA YEEZY 2024: AMERICA’S DARK TWISTED FANTASY

As published on Medium weekly here. I spun together real life scenarios and biographical information to bring to life a fictional story involving top political and pop icons. Similar to Forrest Gump, but about Kanye’s ambitions for presidency.

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Fanfiction Summary:

Kanye and Kim are ready to become the next JFK and Jackie O. Everyone thought his run for office was a joke, and yet it’s his dream, his future, his and Kim’s destiny. They have been working so hard for this, but Beyonce and Jay Z may take it all away…
Join Kimye on this tale of political espionage as these American pop royals battle to enter the political mainstream.

CHAPTER I: IN PREPARATION OF THE AWAKENING

November 8, 2015

Mushy yam-colored skin slapped against tawny young flesh with each of Trump’s thrusts. His hair waving to and fro, his crinkled orange face in a tight pucker. He was close to climax.

Making a short, loud open-mouth cough, he overtly shouted, “Rebuild the Empire!” with climax. Donald liked trying new campaign slogans at the point of peak pleasure to see if they could carry the weight of true emotion.

Having finished, he fell suddenly and at full speed, like the end scene in Moby Dick, breaching back onto the small-malnourished model with whom he shared his bed. She gave out a quick gasp, raising her Swarovski covered wrists to cover her breasts and face, hoping Trump’s weight wouldn’t pop a synthetic breast.

Trump liked feeling his weight upon his most recent Eastern European immigrant guest; it reminded him of his power. Helping her get her green card and learn English was, in his mind, a certain form of charity. With a long exhale, he pulled himself off her.

“Tomorrow I go on Kanye’s yacht,” he sighed.

“Yak?” She asked.

“Big boat. Kanye’s. He’s an important donor, I must support him.”

“Candy?”

“It’s Kanye, that black guy who sings, dabbles in fashion? Don’t worry your pretty head, get some rest. Reaching into his bedside drawer, he pushed aside a bottle of Viagra and grabbed a bottle of Klonopin.

“Sleep my dear,” Trump cooed, handing the model a pill, “Tomorrow is a big day for me.”

The model gulped down the pill, shortly passing out, an ever growing pool of saliva wetting her pillow.

“Do I really have to wear these?” Bernie said, snapping his Yeezy’s together like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.

“Of course,” his wife Jane said, “Kanye is an important donor, impressing him is important,” giving him a tight squeeze on the rump. Her cheeks were still flushed from their non-gender specific pegging morning romp in the sheets. Everyone deserves equality, even in the bedroom. During this daily morning ritual, pleasure was monitored consistently by both parties to ensure a fair and safe environment.

“I made a point not to take money from donors,” Bernie whined.

“I know, but if you don’t take his money, at least ask for his support.” Bernie knew Jane was right. Although Obama had called Kanye an “ass hole” in the past, Kanye had recently won over him and Taylor Swift. He seemed to be in with Bernie’s in-crowd. And besides, his Yeezys were growing on him. They were much more fashionable than his usual velcro-leather sneakers (although they had less sole support).

He quickly crammed Vermont maple syrup candies and Character Is Destiny: Inspiring Stories Every Young Person Should Know and Every Adult Should Remember by John McCain into his canvas duffle bag. The old bag had been with him since his year at Brooklyn College. Scotch Taped up so many times, he liked the worn, used image the bag conveyed. Bernie headed for the train from Vermont down to Kanye’s yacht, moored in Southampton.

Hillary looked at herself in the mirror. Long gone were the days of the WASP yellow power suit and yet she wasn’t sure how to best impress Kimye. Hillary put in her large pearl earrings and accent necklace set. Her thick wool bright blue suit was always a safe staple. After all, this suit had won her millions worth of support in the past, why stop now?

Calling in her makeup artist. “Maybe a little more contouring,” She instructed, “Like in that Kim Kardashian Youtube videos.” She really wanted to get into the shoes of Kim (in a figurative, not ShoeDazzle kind of way).

Hillary was fascinated by Kimye. Her team had tried and tried, but didn’t seem able to catch the energy this couple easily controlled. So much free press. How did they do it? She’d be in the game for ages, but couldn’t seem to upgrade her techniques to win over Millennials, at least not like Bernie. She made a mental note to ask Kim for some tips in private later, maybe get her on a call with some of her staff. Perhaps she could convince Kylie to launch a “Power Suit” shade lip kit, with the proceeds going to her campaign (although she knew Kris Jenner would never let that happen).

 

CHAPTER II: THE LAST SUPPER

November 9, 2015

Bernie waited in the upper deck of the yacht. Because of the train schedule, he showed up two hours early. Arriving at the slip, he kicked around the dock and spoke with the dockhands, who, upon seeing his Scotch Taped duffle, tweed jacket, and Yeezy’s, kept asking if he was lost.

Bernie felt like he was in the bowels of the enemy, surrounded by these huge ships. Sitting on a dock peg, he watched a Seagull swoop high into the air, a crab in its mouth, and drop it, it’s shell cracking on the wooden dock. We must crush the upper class, he told himself. Surrounded by all these yachts, he felt antsy with a want to fight and fight hard. This was the 1%, the crushing first class, and he must take them down. That’s why he was here, that’s why he was wearing Yeezy’s, to bring these moguls to their knees, help them understand the struggles of those below them in the economic pyramid.

As the sun set, Bernie was invited on-board. Waiting in the upper deck, he put a handful of the peanuts offered by the crew in his pocket, eating them slowly.

“What are you doing here?” He suddenly heard from behind him. Hillary had arrived, she strolled up, her short, thick heels clopping on the deck’s wood.

“You show up and ruin every party,” She yelled, knowing they were alone.

“The Democratic party was already ruined,” Bernie snapped back. Hillary’s face burned a fiery red. She was sick and tired of this hangaround. Of course he was doing everything ‘Millennial,’ the one voter group she couldn’t wrap her head around.

“For the first time I actually agree with you, Bernie,” Donald’s voice could be heard as he walked up the steps of the megayacht. “Looks like Kanye invited all of us together to meet him. That’s GREAT,” he said at the top of the steps.

The three stood together, eyeing each other up and down like dogs in heat. They were a ragtag bunch, but also the future of the world’s greatest hegemon.

 

Kim took a deep breath. She had been to many a stately dinner and had selected a full white dress with a gaping neckline down to her belly button. It had taken two hours for her housemaids to dress her, locking in her ample breasts with a patchwork of body  tape.

She and Kanye had great plans for the future. They would be the Jackie O. and John F. Kennedy tagteam of the 21st Century. She would wear white and he would wear black. And in these colorless shades they would rule the world together. Tonight was one slink in a Slinky chain of ideation to their greatest point of victory and world domination, rising like Phoenix, in a burst of fire and feathers, above this world.

Kim walked out onto the deck of the megayacht, where Melania had joined the group, arriving late having wanted to put Barron to bed. “Welcome guests, so great to have all of you here tonight,” Kim said. Walking to each candidate, she kissed their side cheek, giving a wide berth around Trump, knowing he had a reputation for being handsy.

“Right this way,” she gestured, leading them into the dining room enclosed portion of the deck. White linen lay across the full table and and chairs, the table ladened with gold silverware and trim along each of the plates.

“Kanye will only be a moment,” Kim explained as she pointed to each of their seats. The servers appeared. Each with blond hair and pale skin, they wore blue linen floor-length gowns, with white aprons and bonnets. A server for each guest, they approached the table in unison, pouring water into clear crystal glasses.

“Your servers have quite interesting outfits,” Hillary commented, politely.

“Thank you, it’s a thought piece of Kanye’s. They are each in historical house slave attire. It’s to help us, in this home, remember that we can’t dehumanize other based on our extravagant, superior, all-encompassing wealth. Very, like, humbling,” Kim explained, “We are the new slaves.”

Suddenly the lights dimmed. Smoke from a fog machine filled the room and the servers moved a thing curtain at the front of the room aside. Light shining from below, a black cross rose from the darkness.  I am a God from Yeezus started to play loudly as the candidates sat in darkness.

Suddenly, a light shone from the front of the table, outlining a human form on the black cross. Kanye became visible, in a black suit, tied with black painted ropes to the cross. Black on black on black.

Kanye opened his eyes, the balls the only white, “I am a God,” he stated blankly, turning his head robotically. He ruffled his legs and arms from the black rope, jumping from the cross and walking over to his seat, the music fading.

“Welcome guests,” he said, arms stretched wide. “I am so happy to have you all here. Thank you for joining me in this dark, twisted fantasy.”

A new chapter is published on Medium weekly. Click here for the full story…

5 Reasons to Wear an Unsexy Halloween Costume

As originally posted on MYSA.

Halloween is often a time to unleash that sexy kitten normally hidden under the comforting layers of fall. The sexy Halloween costume has its effect, but here are some definite pluses to the unsexy costume…

My journey into the unsexy started my freshman year of college. Finding a particularly fine men’s (there was no women’s version) cow costume online, I decided that dressing as a barn animal could be fun. The cow became my staple, my calling card, my opus magnum. Post graduation, the obsession continued: I donned a turkey costume one year, a lobster (the most imperial of crustaceans) the next.

Here’s why you shouldn’t wear a sexy costume for Halloween…

Sort Out the People Without a Sense of Humour

Freshman year of college, everyone is a bit more judgmental. In a room full of sexy kittens, belly dancers, and Jasmine princesses, I stuck out among the hot Halloween costumes, cow fabric sagging from my petite frame (maybe someday they’ll make cow costumes for women – a girl can dream). I can still picture a girl at a house party trying to pass me on the stairs, clutching her red cup tightly to her side, eyes bulging and mouth open, her look laden with terror and disgust, unable to understand the tiny bovine headed her way. This is a life lesson: some people will never understand you and that’s okay.

Hanging with Friends

Enjoy the night with your friends. Don’t worry about creepy dudes hitting on you. Just be yourself and have a good time.

Despite the bold black and white print, the costume made me quite invisible to lurkers. One white thigh-exposing, short-shorted gym teacher who joined my sexy kitty friend and I on the couch put his arms around us both and promptly turned in her direction.

“How do you guys know each other?” he asked.
“She feeds me,” She smiled pointing over to me, twitching her whiskers.
“I’m quite popular around barn cats,” I explained, but he had already turned back to start a new topic with my feline friend.

That was easy, I told myself. Sometimes you don’t want to flirt with anyone; you only want to hang out with your friends. The unsexy costume allows just that.

You Are Actually Comfortable

There is a reason you put sweaters on in the fall. There’s a reason hula girls don’t wear sweaters. The unsexy costume is an excellent excuse to wear more. The closer to Snuggie fabric, the closer to greatness. What else would you want to wear to a fall party?

You Have Great Pictures

As the out-of-the-box thinker of the party, everyone wants to take pictures with you, meaning you’ll always have great photos from the night. I always find getting really into your character builds comedic appeal. It’s Halloween – this is serious funny business.

Make New Friends

Sporting the unsexy costume is like waving a huge flag that says, “You get me?” Anyone who enjoys your costume will probably make good friend material.

 

Don’t be afraid to take a chance on an unsexy costume. Outer beauty attracts, but inner beauty captivates. When you’re focused on your friends and the fun at hand instead of making sure your costume is still strategically covering the right places, you can let your confidence and humor shine through. If you’ve chosen a sexy costume this year, kudos to you, too – let’s take a selfie together later. As for myself, you’ll find me at the bar, beer in hand, draped in something furry, and over-sized, ready to laugh with you.

 

Click here to read the original article.